Fifty First Memories
by ColdDecemberNight
Summary: "Only fools will fail to recognise that nothing lasts forever" were the words echoed by Hachiman Hikigaya. A statement proven correct when Yukino Yukinoshita gets into a serious car accident and was left with severe amnesia. With Yukino's memory erased after every 24 hours, how will Hachiman find a way to make her remember him when every other date becomes a first date?


**Fifty First Memories**

 **A/N Inspiration derived from the movie "50 First Dates', starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Without further ado, please enjoy the story.**

People tend to take things for granted without stopping to appreciate the little nooks and crannies of the entire process. Everyone seems to be under the illusion that everything will remain static- like a drop of oil on the surface of a clear pond. Only fools will fail to recognise that nothing lasts forever- wealth, security, trust, loyalty and especially happiness. To blame one's self or the divine beings for mishaps or misfortune would be an act of sacrilege and foolishness as I was once told that everything happens for a reason. Feelings of guilt and despair will slowly erode any sense of morality and joy until it leaves a hollow husk embodying the faith in an equilibrium society. For me, being a loner was fine and I've often been accused of being dead in the inside by my peers and teacher. It was like a self-defence mechanism against quixotic ideals and intangible goals. I, Hachiman Hikigaya, am a misanthrope and a man without hopes because time and time again, I've been proved correct and left out to dry.

Touching on my last statement when I mentioned that nothing lasts forever, I was vindicated when a friend of mine, Yukino Yukinoshita got into a serious car accident and was left with a severe case of amnesia aside from the minor brain damage sustained. The black limousine belonging to the affluent Yukinoshita family pulled up in front of the office that she worked at and swiftly took off once the Yukino got into it. The pouring rain was not kind to the traffic goers and did little to justify the collision between the limousine and a skidded bus. I was actually one of the first to find out about the accident once Haruno urgently rang me up. Haruno Yukinoshita was the epitome of artful. Her perfect façade was nothing more than a thin veil to mask her deceptive and manipulative personality. Throughout my time in school, I learnt that Haruno and Yukino did not possess a warm and receptive relationship akin to that of a normal sibling pair. However, even my icy heart skipped a beat as I took in Haruno's desperate and anguished tone through the other side of the line. She was on the verge of tears and blaming herself for not meeting her earlier. My gut reaction would be to question her motive and tone but at that moment, I knew that the older sister was stricken with grief.

Yuigahama was the next person to find out after I called her to relay the tragic news. Naturally, she started bawling her eyes out and bemoaning the weather. A part of me felt irritated that she would blame the uncontrollable force of nature while the other part of me felt guilty that I echoed her sentiments and was blaming the heavy rain instead of the more logical choice of negligence on the road. It was easier to blame the weather than to accept the fact that it was a preventable accident. We rushed to the hospital only to be blocked and thrown out by the Yukinoshita's personal security guards. The noisy sobs echoed through the white hospital corridors as Yuigahama broke down once more while I tried to block the noise out from my head.

" Say, Hikki, Yukinon is going to be alright yeah? She's a strong girl so I know that she'll pull through," she gripped my arm tightly and looked at me with her tear stained face. I wasn't someone who could lie well, even if I wanted to. Being a blunt and pragmatic guy was in my nature and leading her on with false hope was something that I couldn't do. It was temporary relief, a brief calm before the storm, staggered steps before an abyss.

I merely stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and shot her a weary look.

" Yuigahama, I can't promise you anything because I don't know the severity of her injuries. She's a strong girl but this isn't some shounen manga where the hero miraculously survives a fatal injury because of how much people believed in him or how strong willed he was. The adage "Where there is a will, there is a way," wasn't the answer here. Only the divine beings and medical advancement could save Yukino now. Yuigahama dissolved into another puddle of tears as I walked her home in silence., my mere presence serving as a reminder of her best friend that was currently in the ICU ward. Seeing her in this state ate me up and so, I caved in eventually. I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a weak hug.

" Don't worry Yuigahama, I'm sure that Yukino will be just fine. After all, we have to believe and hope for the best because it would take much more than this to put her down," I told her softly. She buried her face into my chest while I cursed myself for deluding us both. Yeah right, all we can do is hope right now.

Days turned into weeks which turned into months and finally, we received good news. Yukino was discharged from the hospital and is currently recovering at home. However, like every other yin, there is a yang and we were told by Haruno that she was stuck with a severe amnesiac condition that reduced her cognitive awareness or memory to a span of 24 hours per day, before everything resets once more. I looked at this as a half-filled glass because most importantly, Yukino was alive and basic functions weren't an issue. The extent of her cognitive condition was to be determined and announced.

I spent the days mulling over Yukino as she was currently home-schooled. Yuigahama and I rarely saw her and the service club had long been inactive. It was rare for me, Hachiman, to spend my days wallowing in self-pity because I couldn't talk to some girl. The sad reality was that it wasn't just some girl- it was a friend who I've grown accustomed to having around. You could argue by saying that I saw Yuigahama the same way but deep down, I knew that I had developed feelings for the black-haired girl. I couldn't tell Yuigahama that I liked Yukino after we promised to keep our feelings to ourselves to preserve the status quo of the club. However, what difference would it make if I told Yukino that I liked her hundreds of times if she was going to forget all about it at the end of the day.

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, that I decided to muster up some courage to go and visit Yukino at her home. Yuigahama couldn't join me as she had to run some errands but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Haruno and Mrs. Yukinoshita welcomed me with open arms as they led me to her bedroom, caught between Haruno's teasing and Mrs. Yukinoshita's rambling. The moment I set foot in her bedroom, it was like déjà vu, going backto the time when I first met Yukino in the club room.

She was quietly reading a book on her bed and flicked a nonchalant gaze at without uttering a word- likening my presence to that of an insignificant moth.

" Yo, Yukino, how are you feeling today?" I asked nonchalantly and gave her a small nod as the black-haired girl merely raised an eyebrow before snapping her book close.

"Who might you be? It's best that you make this quick because I can already feel my migraine setting in after looking at your dead fish eyes," she said crisply, eliciting an annoyed expression from me.

" Well how ironic that you're able to remember my facial features but not my name. It's Hikigaya," I said half-sarcastically and sat down opposite her. " I came to check up on you on Yuigahama's behalf as well, if you even remember who she is," I continued.

She furrowed her eyebrows before giving me an apologetic look. This would break Yuigahama's heart if she was here as I handed her the picture of us in the club room, taken by Iroha. Her expression softened as she traced the creases on the photo with her fingers.

"Hikigaya-kun, I think you're already aware of my current condition. Severe amnesia with the memory span of 24 hours. It truly makes life difficult when you're trying to study for a test," she looked at me. Her steely gaze bore a hole right through me but she looked like a wistful child rather than an ice princess.

" Another flaw with our education system if most of our examinations stem from memorisation instead of understanding concepts," I replied absently. She gave a small chuckle and shook her head. "If you're attempting to cheer me up, at least come up with something relevant Hikigaya-kun. But that aside, I've been well. What did you come here for?" she repeated. Her tone didn't contain any malice but was filled with genuine curiosity.

I came here to tell you that I love you and that Yuigahama wants to come over and spend the entire day fussing over you while I am forced to entertain your irritating sister. No, it isn't that time of the year yet so it's not an April Fool's joke.

" I came to tell you that I'll be moving to Kyoto in the fall to attend Kyoto University to futher my studies. It's something that we talked about before but I just thought that maybe you'd like to know again. You had plans to attend Tokyo University but how's that working out for you?" I sighed. Yukino merely shrugged and sipped her cup of tea.

" I applaud your efforts in securing a better future for yourself and I hope that you don't waste your three years being stuck in the corner of the lecture hall, alone," she emphasized. " Hikigaya-kun, I don't remember what it is but whenever I'm around you, my head starts to hurt and my insides start turning," she muttered and clutched her shirt.

" Good to know that you've found another way of calling me repulsive, Yukino," I rolled my eyes but she glared at me. " This isn't a joke Hikigaya-kun, I was being serious. It's like there's something within my mind that is yearning to break free. I just fail to see what it is."

Every time I watched Yukino struggle with her emotions, she puts on the most adorable expressions and no, I'm not a sadist- although I have been accused of exhibiting masochistic traits by basking in self-deprecating humour. There was no doubt about it though, I definitely felt something for her but I was treading on thin ice. I didn't know if it was worth sacrificing my ego by revealing the truth to her. Nothing lasts forever……

I now understand the full extent of that phrase as I rubbed my temples and turned away.

" Yukino, with your severe memory loss, would it really matter if I told you anything important? You're just going to end up forgetting it right? And there I was, beating around the bush again, like the coward I was.

She pursed her lips and nodded slowly. " That is correct, Hikigaya-kun. But in that case, wouldn't it be the same as telling a dying person everything, even though that person isn't going to be able to make use of that information?" I was a bit taken aback at her macabre analogy and I knew that she wanted me to read between the lines.

"You probably already knew this but when it came down to Yuigahama and you, you won the race." She gave a blank look, signalling that I couldn't keep dancing around what I wanted to say. I grit my teeth and clenched my fists as I finally let it all out.

" I'll say this only once so listen up, Yukinoshita. I feel something for you. It's something more than friends but definitely not love so it's up to you to interpret it," I blurted out as her azure orbs widened with each word uttered. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as I averted my gaze from hers but it did little to hide the embarrassment that I felt. A heavy silence hung in the air as Yukino's cheeks slowly turned pink.

" Hikigaya-kun, was this the reason why you came over here today without Yuigahama-san? And here I thought that you were too lazy to call her over," she composed herself as a small chuckle escaped her lips. The heavy silence dissipated as I cracked a wry smile.

" Your feelings are returned, Hikigaya-kun, although I can't promise you that they are genuine. I'm just taking them to be the reason for my discomfort around you," she coughed. Deep down, we both knew that our paths were intertwined regardless of the circumstances or route taken to get to this point.

And that was the start of how the idea of 50 first dates was born. There were exactly 50 days until I left for Kyoto and it took me just the first date to realise that her condition was not a hyperbole nor was it something that you saw in the movies. I visited her on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, the day after our first date to be met with a blank look that I had grown to bitterly hate. She had no recollection of our date or anything that happened yesterday. I spent a good hour explaining Monday's events to her as she tried her best to digest but losing the time we spent together and the precious memories that came with it was a bitter pill to swallow. I knew that there was nothing that I could do to solve the problem but ironically, Yukino offered to write down daily events and details of our dates in her diary.

" It won't jog my memory but at least it will provide me with a sense of familiarity, even if I'm not aware of it," she smiled and pulled out a small blue diary with flowers engraved on the front.

I didn't see the point of this little exercise. In the end, it was all going to be just a myriad of words to her and those photos that we took will be nothing more than postcards without addresses. I didn't disagree with her suggestion but merely gave a small nod before pouring some tea for her. I felt like a school teacher at this point, with Yukinoshita being my pupil. The diary would serve to be a workbook of some sort as I run through a recap of yesterday's lesson or in this case, date, before proceeding to the current events. Normally, I would deem a responsibility like that to be a chore but for some unknown reason, I felt willing to take on this responsibility because I felt the need to help her.

This pattern carried on until the 50th date and I had grown accustomed to this way of life. I had to admit that the best part of the job was bearing witness to a multitude of facial expressions as I crisply detailed our past dates, some which involved her being caught in some embarrassing moments. The worst part of my job was emotional pain. You would think that I would be unperturbed to all forms of emotional damage due to my training as a self-loathing loner during my high school days but this cut deeper. Seeing the girl that I loved not being able to recognise me daily was like a sucker punch to the gut and each obligatory introduction felt hollow.

" Hikigaya-kun, unless you don't wish to get hauled up by the police, I suggest that you stop with the sleazy glances. Just looking at you makes me want to lock myself in a room," Yukino said smartly as we wandered through the crowded paths of Destinyland.

Having our last date here was only fitting because this was the place where we fell in love or at least that's what I told myself. Three years ago, Yukino once told me to "Save her someday" while we were on one of the rides here. I couldn't quite interpret her request as there were endless possibilities to that request. I felt empowered because someone like her trusted me to pull her out of the murkiest waters like some superhero but now, I felt as if I failed her before it even started. The only thing that I could save her from now was from forgetting all about the past.

Every second spent with Yukino felt like as if it was one step closer to losing the most important thing to me. As the afternoon slowly descended into nightfall, I knew that it was time for our final act of the play. The cliché but obligatory closing fireworks in the middle of the park. At approximately 8p.m, fireworks burst above, searing their brilliant light and vivacious colour onto my retinas. Each one draws a pattern into the sky, something unique and breath-taking, never to be repeated exactly no matter how many are ignited and sent to their sky-bound destiny. Yukino seemed captivated by its colourful splendour, unaware that my camera shifted its focus from the colourful streaks above to her delighted expression that was more mesmerising than any fireworks display.

" I guess that's our cue to leave, huh? Once the fireworks are done, there really isn't anything to look forward to," I said matter-of-factly as I headed towards the exit. It seemed destined for a mild end to our little fairy tale until the ice queen decided to grab the sleeve of my jacket.

"Hikigaya-kun, I want you to have this," Yukino smiled and pushed the diary into my chest. I looked shocked at her and shook my head.

" Yukinoshita, have you gone mad? I can't take this. The whole reason of recording each date is to remind yourself of all the good times that we had."

" That may be so Hikigaya-kun but I want you to keep my memories safe with you and besides, can you really put feelings and emotions into words? It is true that my memory of our relationship will vanish tomorrow as usual but my feelings won't. You can take away someone's memory but not their emotions," she smiled wistfully as she sat on the grass.

My mouth went dry as I went to join her.

She had a point though.

Whatever she wanted me to know in life, she told me herself and this diary was just a manuscript for our play. It contained all the details of our dates but it didn't convey the paroxysm of emotions that were born from each individual date. Our arguments, banter and routine conversations couldn't be captured by a mere ballpoint pen. When I was younger, I used to wonder why girls would get so darn upset if someone read their diary. It made no sense simply because it would be simpler for them to keep their feelings of joy to themselves instead of providing a window for strangers to peer into. At the end of the day, words will just be words and without an actor, the message will not be conveyed meaningfully, thus rendering the diary useless.

" Thank you for everything and I truly enjoyed our ahem…date today," she blushed and tucked a stray lock of hair away from her face.

" Just today? Did you not enjoy the other 49 dates? If you can't remember what they were, even more reason for you to keep this," I said dryly and waved the diary at her. "Maybe you are right. Maybe I didn't enjoy the other 49 dates compared to this one," she countered lightly, trying to match me at my own game.

" It's a good thing that this date will leave a good taste in your mouth then," I yawned and glanced at the throngs of people walking towards the exit.

" Oh Hikigaya-kun, be careful what you wish for," a light smirk tugged at the corner of her lips as she pulled me by the collar of my shirt and silenced my snarky wit with a short chaste kiss. I was catatonically rooted to the spot as I stared at her in disbelief.

First, she stole my first kiss and I was slightly relieved as I didn't have to face the embarrassment of telling people in the future that I lost my first kiss at the ripe old age of 40.

Secondly, this wasn't just any girl kissing me, it was Yukino freaking Yukinoshita!!! The girl who constantly took the piss out of me and had a romantic bone the size of a walnut. The only display of affection that I've seen her display is towards felines.

Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed our kiss even though the feeling of shock prevented me from reciprocating her actions.

" Now that left a good taste in my mouth," she said nonchalantly and went back to watching the stars. I blinked several times before turning away to hide my burning cheeks. " I don't have a pen for you to write that down in your diary," I said lamely as she rolled her eyes in annoyance.

I smiled to myself as I realised that she and I arrived at the same conclusion. It was impossible to remember each date but what mattered most were the feelings that we developed. And just like that, our final date ended as I walked her back to her apartment. Our conversation drew on the usual topics ranging from Yuigahama's failed attempt at baking to Haruno's manipulative schemes.

I wasn't a sappy guy but as she waved goodnight to me, I felt the words get stuck in my throat as I didn't want our night to end. Yukino jokingly threatened to call the police if I kept stalking her but I could see the tears welling up in her eyes as she gave me one last hug before running back into the building.

She was right. All this would be forgotten by the next sunrise and I'll be just another stranger to her but it didn't matter because it took 50 dates to finally realise that we both loved each other. I held my head high and began the long walk home as I just thought about my train ride to Kyoto tomorrow morning. A new chapter in my life was about to begin and yet, I'm destined to keep dwelling on the past. Humans tend to relive the past again and again and this is what made it hard to move on. I was no exception either.

I flopped down on my bed and skimmed through the pages of her diary. Yukino had written down a recount for each of our 50 dates but what caught my eye was her entry for the 50th date. That page was blank sans the sentence " I finally experienced my first love" scrawled on the bottom of the page.

That brought a smile to my face and I'm sure Shizuka-sensei would be surprised how much life my dead fish eyes contained at that exact moment.

There's a reason love is invisible, undetectable with anything but our minds. We aren't evolved enough to be trusted with it. We'd try to engineer it, alter it, use it, weaponise it. Aren't there always great reasons to do immoral acts? Or are they excuses to allow us to follow our more basic desire for dominance? Power addiction is always the wrong route to escape fear. The only way to understand love is to feel it, embody it, embrace it.

I picked up a pen and began scribbling under the heading: "No.50"

Were we ever strangers? I'm not sure we were. That day I first saw you there was something even then, though I didn't know what. I wonder if there's an element of time that allows us to feel a strong love, like an orange glow bursting over a dark horizon. It was light for our eyes only, something to carry us through this life. In a way, it is an enigma that will continue to both astound and haunt generations to come as they feel an unthinkable desire to surrender. This is the story of how I, Hachiman Hikigaya fell in love with Yukino Yukinoshita.

"I really miss the old Hachiman. He would never believe in crap like this," I grinned to myself as I closed the diary and stuffed it into my suitcase. I was right, the old Hachiman thought Yukino Yukinoshita was a pain in the rear but like I said, nothing lasts forever.

Fin.

 **A/N I really hope that you guys enjoyed this story and please leave a review and tell me what you think about this. I think this is one of the best one-shots that I have ever written as a writer so it would mean a lot to me if you could tell me what you thought about it :)**


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